Abandonment
It is often difficult to tell who is safe, and who is not capable of being emotionally responsible – – who is worthy of my trust, and who is next to abandon me.
I experience it as, and observed by others as being obsessed with the person. My nerves are set to ‘go off’ if I should unexpectedly receive any communication less bump into him or see them with a new love. This enduring emotional reactivity. I am confused into thinking that if the pain can last that long and feel so strong, he must have been very special, the one. But it is not so. I can feel this way over anyone, even someone who had nothing special to offer. It is just my brain efficiently, and destructively trying to kill the person I am.
Yet, there are serial abandoners. Those who get secondary gain weather they are aware of it or not, from inflicting emotional pain on someone who loves them. For them, creating devastation is their way of demonstrating power. They are not motivated by this need, but might experience a heightened sense of self-importance as an unintentional by-product, they seek this self fulfillment over and over again. As regretful as they may feel about pulling away, they can’t help but go on an ego trip as they witness the protests and agony of the person who still wants to be with them. They derive a sense of pleasure.
In the light of the other person’s pain and devastation, abandoners will not usually admit to the feelings of triumph. Instead they tend to speak about their more humble feelings, like their regret over having caused another person to be disappointed or hurt. They are usually easily distracted from regret however, as they get caught up in their new lives with greater sense of freedom, newness, and a larger ego than before.
Many are able to by-pass regret,or remorse by remaining oblivious to what is going on for the other person. They blame the other person in all absurd kinds of ways for the break-up – – attempting to justify their actions, only to avoid guilt. Their agenda is to sustain their image of themselves as a decent, caring person. This denial and blame often come across as callousness and cruelty to the one they left behind, the one who will grapple alone with the pieces of a broken relationship, further wounded by unjustified blame, and destroyed sense of self.
Many do not set out to abandon, to hurt-by-intention. Many are just human beings struggling to find the answers to life’s difficult challenges along the way, with an intent underlying fear of ever having to experience the pain of being abandoned themselves. None-the-less, to the extent they are able to blame, remain oblivious, or stay in denial of the other person’s pain, only to maintain and highten their sense of self and power.
When someone experiences the loss of a love, they are in a serious emotional crisis. Your willingness to reach out, listen to your friends’ pain, and validate their shattered reality can make a critical difference.
Abandonment has a grief cycle all of its own. Left unresolved, it can damage self esteem and interfere in future relationships. Yet society does not recognize abandonment as grief. Unlike when death is involved, abandonment survivors must go through the devastation with their grief shrouded in secrecy and silence. Their loss is consummate, their pain as great as those grieving over a death. But the person they love is not lost to the rest of the world, only to them. They are isolated in their despair. Rather than feel entitled to a period of morning, they feel victimized by having ‘been left.’
Abandonment survivors don’t receive hundreds of bereavement cards or bouquets of flowers. The world looks the other way, not wanting to intrude, not wanting to be reminded of everyone’s worst nightmare. he just needs a friend, provider of a life-line, rescuing them from the full weight of total isolation, loneliness, and panic.
One of the greatest pitfalls for friends and family is the tendency to want to ‘fix it.’ They can’t stand to see their friend suffering in so much pain. They try to make the pain go away. They give advice, trying to put the gravity of their friend’s heartbreak into a positive perspective. Trying to ‘fix it’ or telling your friend ‘not to worry; things will be okay’ can make abandonees feel emotionally dismissed –abandoned all over again. It breaks the line of empathy between you and them, and becomes apathy. They don't understand the depth of the hopelessness they are feeling. It’s okay to remind them that hopelessness is a normal part of what they are going through, that it is a feeling, NOT A FACT. But there are no easy answers for such intense pain. They face a difficult path and face it alone.
Abandonees may blow up at you, no matter how understanding you are. But don’t take it personally, the displaced anger is because they unconsciously want you to substitute for the nurturance they are so desperately missing, and, of course, you can’t.
There is no time frame for this grief. Be prepared, for it can go on for a long time. The deep personal injury of abandonment can be a particularly difficult wound to heal. If the grief is truly enduring, your role is to bear witness to their pain, validate their experience, support them through the grief process, and guide them to the tools Hope, awareness, and direction.
1: SHATTERING – Your relationship is breaking apart. Your hopes and dreams are Shattered. You are devastated, bewildered. You Succumb to despair and panic. You feel hopeless and have Suicidal feelings. You feel Symbiotically attached to your lost love, mortally wounded, as if you’ll die without them. You are in Severe pain, Shock, Sorrow. You’ve been Severed from your primary attachment. You’re cut off from your emotional life-line.
2: WITHDRAWAL – painful Withdrawal from your lost love. The more time goes on, the more all of the needs your partner was meeting begin to impinge into your every Waking moment. You are in Writhing pain from being torn apart. You yearn, ache, and Wait for them to return. Love-withdrawal is just like Heroin withdrawal – – each involves the body’s opiate system and the same physical symptoms of intense craving. During Withdrawal, you are feeling the Wrenching pain of love-loss and separation – – the Wasting, Weight loss, Wakefulness, Wishful thinking, and Waiting for them to return. You crave a love-fix to put you out of the WITHDRAWAL symptoms.
3: INTERNALIZING – you Internalize the rejection and cause great Injury to your self esteem. This is the most critical stage of the cycle when your wound becomes susceptible to Infection and can create permanent scarring. You are Isolated, riddled with Insecurity, self- Indictment and self-doubt. Pre-occupied not only with questioning your integrity as a whole, you are preoccupied with ‘If only regrets’ – – If only you had been more attentive, more sensitive, less demanding, etc. You beat yourself up with regrets over the relationship and Idealize your abandoner at the expense of your own self Image. And loos your true sense of self, and experience yourself as nothing.
4: RAGE – the turning point in the grief process when you begin to fight back. You attempt to Reverse the Rejection by Refusing to accept all of the blame for the failed relationship, and feel surges of Rage against your abandoner. You Rail against the pain and isolation you’ve been in. Agitated depression and spurts of anger displaced on your friends and family are common during this turbulent time, as are Revenge and Retaliation fantasies toward your abandoner. leaving your remorseful.
5: LIFTING – your anger helped to externalize your pain. Gradually, as your energy spurts outward, it Lifts you back into Life. You begin to Let go. Life distracts you and gradually Lifts you out the grief cycle. You don't want to be distracted. You feel the emergence of strength, wiser for the painful Lessons you’ve Learned. And when you Lift, it is important to take your feelings with you, or you lose connection with yourself once again, creating an internal barrier to others.
Then you swirl through the stages over and over for a period of years – – cycles within cycles – – until you emerge out the end of the funnel-shaped cloud, maybe a changed person for the good, hopeful to be better able to find love than before.
untill then.. you just swirl.
